Poem: Monster

miomar • 5 September 2011 at 3:56 PM

Monster

The people who loved me became paralyzed,
The people who hated me turned into ice,
The people who saw me are statues of stone,
The monster i am,
Is now all alone.

Rate from 1 to 10 =^)?

roversydneygirl • 5 September 2011 at 4:05 PM

9/10

I don't know why...I think it needs...um...uh...

Deleted • 5 September 2011 at 4:06 PM

8/10

Pretty cool. @miomar What was your inspiration behind this?

miomar • 5 September 2011 at 4:06 PM

@Avelaingia
It randomly came up in my head, but i'm making more =^)

whimsical • 5 September 2011 at 4:07 PM

8.5/10 I think you are a very talented poet. I'd love to hear a second verse! *hint hint*

metaphor • 5 September 2011 at 5:15 PM

@miomar

I don't believe in ratings. When I critique poetry, I just say what I have to say in-depth as I can and leave it at that. Ratings tend to be misleading.😋

Anyway, this is an interesting poem. Not terribly long, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, short poems tend to be harder than longer poems to master because your economy of words is much more limited and so you must choose the very best and most precise to drive your point home. Unfortunately, there's writing a short poem and then there's writing a short poem that doesn't exactly feel complete. You have some nice images in here, I especially like the bit stone and ice metaphors, but I feel that they would be even better if you were to flesh them out. Good writing relies heavily on concrete details. Show us the stone, show us the ice. It's also rather repetitious, but repetition can be madly effective if it's spread out a bit. In a shorter poem, it runs the risk of growing monotonous faster, so you have to should ask yourself if the rhythmic, lyrical quality is worth sacrificing better word choice and meaning.

@avelaingia brings up some interesting images (Medusa and basilisk). That is what I mean by concrete. Those are both specific and put a clear image in the reader's mind. Maybe try finding an object like that and using it to expand off your existing imagery. Little things like this can really make a poem fresh and memorable when done right. Good luck!

metaphor • 5 September 2011 at 5:38 PM

@avelaingia

I haven't written a critique in such a long time. I used to love to do that, just let random people give me their work to critique, or I'd go search for it on Deviantart/Subeta/Neopets (lulz, there's my problem).
I actually kinda want to start a thread offering critique...

miomar • 6 September 2011 at 2:14 AM

@Qwerty732797
Pure randomness =^P

@Whimsical
Thanks =^D!

@Metaphor
Woah, thats alot of words =^0

cqpkytty • 6 September 2011 at 9:30 AM

@miomar
It sounds kinda like a song...

miomar • 6 September 2011 at 9:34 AM

@Cqpkytty
Lolz!

cqpkytty • 6 September 2011 at 9:38 AM

@miomar
It has the right rhythm and everything...
it sounds like that would be the chorus.

miomar • 6 September 2011 at 9:39 AM

@Cqpkytty

What do you think of this one?

Moon
The night can be dark,
But light at the same time,
With the moon and his army,
Floating to shine,
He's here to show us,
That the sun is still here,
Like she always was,
And always will be there.

cqpkytty • 6 September 2011 at 9:42 AM

@miomar
Awesome!

also, can I write verses and turn Monster into a song?

miomar • 6 September 2011 at 9:43 AM

@Cqpkytty
Sure =^)

cqpkytty • 6 September 2011 at 9:44 AM

@miomar
Thanks!

bunnyshadow • 6 September 2011 at 10:10 AM

7/10 :/ it reminds me of medusa

cqpkytty • 6 September 2011 at 10:25 AM

@miomar
The people who loved me became paralyzed
The people who hated me turned into ice
The people who saw me are statues of stone
The monster I am
Is now all alone

Myself on my island with all to hide
A monster without, but broken inside
What now do I look like? I don't even know
The monster I am
Is now all alone

I was happy, content, in the town I called Home
but Sea God, for my beauty, couldn't leave me alone
Then I was bewitched, become uglier than a crone
The monster I am
Is now all alone

I feel the snakes, every day, everywhere
They are there to replace from when I had hair
They coil and uncoil, I let out a sad moan -
The monster I am
Is now all alone

The people who loved me became paralyzed
The people who hated me froze into ice
The people who saw me are statues of stone
The monster I am
Is now all alone.

What do you think?

miomar • 6 September 2011 at 10:51 AM

@Cqpkytty

Omg cool =^0

cqpkytty • 6 September 2011 at 6:38 PM

@miomar
Thanks!

miomar • 7 September 2011 at 12:31 AM

@Cqpkytty
😊

pipkitten • 7 September 2011 at 12:33 AM

@Miomar: You've got talent~

miomar • 7 September 2011 at 9:18 AM

@Pipkitten
Thankies =^D!